I’m honestly scared of just being with myself. It scares the crap out of me of having to hang out alone… with myself. At first I do have of lot of fun, and even look forward to it… but sometimes at the end of the day, as I lay on my bed, it feels like I’m getting sucked by a black hole, falling into despair and sadness. That kind of feeling overwhelms me and I then tend to linger longer on negative thoughts. I size up myself, and I always find myself at the short end. I think about how all the other people have their lives mapped out, and when I am alone, I doubt myself if I even achieved something or if I’ll ever be good enough to make me contented with myself.
Sometimes, the ‘shit-iness’ of life comes behind me, I look back at the end of the day and that’s all I see. I see my past as something passable or uneventful. so I tell myself… “Hey, you never really achieved something, and you’re still trying. Should I just quit?” Then again, I’d think… “There’s no turning back. Pointing at random people thinking they have arrived, or they have become someone great is like pointing randomly at the cloudy night sky and think you are pointing at the exact direction of where a star should be.” I realized that we’re all under the same sky, and maybe we are all those stars… and if any of those stars fall from the sky and look up, he’d tell himself, “Hey, we were all in the same sky (situation), trying to stay afloat. We can never know what the others are going through, yet they appear to us as bright blazing stars. In the end I just have to try and come back up to that sky and try my best to shine more brightly than before, so someone will be really able to point me out through the light I’ve worked hard to keep shining. When we fall down, we see life in a different angle.
It changes us in more ways that we realize. We see what wasn’t there, and we realized that what was there isn’t as important as we thought it was. Maybe for now I’m still looking up at a cloudy sky and thinking that there are other stars behind the clouds who are faring better than me. I’m hoping and praying I’d get the inspiration to try again, the faith to realize what’s great in me, the contentment to appreciate what I have and the courage to change the things I can.
Maybe I’m just rambling here cause it’s late at night and I’m alone… with myself only…. Oh and the night sky above with the stars.